Personal finances

by Writelife on July 3, 2010

Income does not exist in Hell because there are no jobs and there is no investment. There is, however, work and there is debt. A lot of it.

Bills also exist in Hell and no matter how often you pay them, they are due.

“I paid that yesterday!” Harcourt argued.

“It’s due again. Pay up, deadbeat!”

You can never catch up. And you can never elude the anxieties of debt. People who had been responsible and debt-free through their entire lives, in  Hell found themselves in debt to their eyeballs.

The anxiety was worst for them. Some would even try to kill themselves, so anxious were they, but they always failed because they were already dead. They were in Hell, after all.

Even had they been successful in killing themselves, it would not have helped them to evade hellish debt. They would have died and gone to Hell, where they already were, because suicide is a very bad thing. It’s the sort of bad thing that is a one-way ticket to Hell.

Hell is all about redundancy. And debt.

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Agreements

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In Hell there are no agreements unless you are a disagreeable person in which case it is all agreements. It’s beside the point, however, since all agreements are broken, the exceptions being those agreements that should be broken. These are kept with an absolutism that would even astonish the radical left (and the radical right, [...]

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Tis the season forever

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The holiday season lasts all year long in Hell. It is forever. For this reason, seasonal music plays continually, without respite, except for the month of December when it is the hits of the 1910 Fruitgum Company over and over and over.
Though it has been repeatedly stressed it warrants one more iteration: time is non-existent [...]

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Lost souls

October 28, 2009

“If your biggest worry here is not remembering what acronyms mean, you’re the lostest of lost souls,” the Devil said.
“That’s not a word!”
“Is now,” the Devil replied calmly.
“I want out!” Harcourt cried petulantly.
“No one gets out of Hell.” The Devil was cross now. “Don’t start being a shit disturber!”
It was remarkable to Harcourt how much [...]

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Meeting the Devil

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It was only a matter of time before Harcourt finally met the Devil. It happened on a Thursday, despite (as has been mentioned on numerous occasions) the meaninglessness of distinctions like “days.”
“You slay me!” the Devil said, almost crying with laughter. “Walls! You actually asked walls! ‘Are you the Devil?’”
Harcourt’s face reddened like a spanked [...]

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Politics

October 12, 2009

As you would expect, all political parties were in Hell, as were all the people who had never voted and were now condemned to campaigns that never ended.
What do you think the horror for political parties was in Hell?
They could only be honest. And they always agreed with each other.
It made them so mad.

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Meeting Johnny Bigshot

October 12, 2009

Many celebrities were in Hell, including a large representation from the world of music. Among them there was Johnny Bigshot, whom Harcourt met one day.
Johnny Bigshot was a pop star. He was a rock star. He was a star in hip-hop, popular jazz, folk music, world music, alternative and every kind of music there was [...]

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One day in Hell

October 12, 2009

One day in Hell Harcourt no longer knew what any acronyms referred to. It was a thing Hell liked to do every so often because the Devil found it so funny.
No longer knowing the meaning of any acronym, and acronyms being letters rather than words and thus resistant to any deciphering for meaning, Harcourt was [...]

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Jean-Paul Sartre’s autograph

June 12, 2009

The existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre was in Hell. He spoke to no one. He didn’t acknowledge anyone’s existence.
This bothered Harcourt. He wanted an autograph.
He danced in front of Sartre.
He waved his hands.
He did cartwheels and somersaults and shouted and screamed.
Sartre was unmoved. He stood in lonely isolation as if utterly unaware of anyone else around [...]

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